Welcome to Connections

Your weekly pānui for tips, tricks, and strategies to deepen your connection with your tween, teen, or adolescent.

Kia ora Reader

What if you were able to change your focus from a place of inflicting blame (and shame) on another, to a focus on giving space to grace?

This quote from Brené Brown has really got me thinking, and I know it will get you thinking too!

How often do we leap to a blame model when we’re in conflict?

I know it’s been my default for so much of my life. The idea of someone being ‘at fault’ and therefore the wrongdoer was instilled in my brain as a very young person. My parents were doing their level best and I’m not throwing them under the bus. There was also school. And it’s how our justice system works. We’re quick to find fault for a number of reasons, and that’s useful for addressing the harm. Let's not be all 'softly, softly' and ignore the consequences of actions.

How different would it feel though if we took measures to address the harm from a place of grace - as in trying to understand - instead of a place of blame - you’re at fault. Fullstop. End of story.

When a person (and let’s think about our young people here) are blamed it’s a case of being the person who is in the wrong. From there, we can bring understanding to this, or we can let them think that because they are in the wrong, therefore they are wrong - which is shame.

As parents we have the opportunity to change our approach.

Sure, our young person will have done something wrong - they’re adolescents, they’re meant to push back!

Do we seek to understand, or do we seek to make the wrongdoing mean the wrongdoer is a wrong person?

How often are mistakes made that translate in our minds from “I did this” to “I am this”?

I trust I’ve got your brain cells moving!

It’s a different frame for a conflict model and one that’s more likely to lead us away from problem solving into space for solution generating.

When we open up the space for understanding, our young person is far more likely to work with us to create a way of:

• Taking responsibility for their actions
• Creating a fitting consequence
• Modifying their choices and behaviour so they make different actions in future

WOW!

Every mistake is a learning opportunity - for them AND for us! If you’ve got some questions and would like to book a strategy call use the link at the bottom of this pānui.

Until then, think about how you’d like to handle your next parent/adolescent conflict in order to get a resolution that works for everyone.

Kia pai tō wiki ... have a great week

Melanie

PS: This month the blog post is called ‘Is Your Teen Ready to go Flatting?’ If what you’ve read so far has got you thinking I encourage you to use this link to have a read.

On Sunday 25 August I’m running a one hour webinar called ‘The Flatmate Agreement’ and I’ll run you through getting you and your young person on the same page when it comes to becoming a young person who is confident in their level of self-responsibility. You can use this link to sign up. Priced at only $20 it’s a great return for your investment. The webinar will be recorded for those who would like to be there and just can’t make it.

Melanie Medland is a communication coach, an author, and a course creator.​

More at www.beautifulconversations.co.nz​

Click here for your complimentary strategy call.