“No one is coming to save me. I’m on my own. And that’s awesome.” Melanie Medland

Welcome to Connections

Your weekly pānui for tips, tricks, and strategies to deepen your connection with your tween, teen, or adolescent.

Kia ora Reader

Back in my teaching days I had two rules for the kids in my class:

1. Be in the right place
2. At the right time

I loved these rules and so did the kids I taught.

These two rules gave everyone simplicity and clarity. No one had to remember lots of complicated processes to manage themselves or to have the day go well. All they needed to do was be in the right place at the right time and things generally went well.

When things didn’t go so well we could usually trace the beginning of the problem back to one of these two rules being ignored. And the emphasis for change going forward could be put back where it belonged, on the individual.

By the end of the first week at school all my kids were talking about self responsibility and paying attention to managing themselves.

It made the whole school year smoother - relationships flourished, connections deepened and learning happened.

What if you applied these two rules to your tweens, teens or adolescents? Would this change the way they managed themselves?

Without meaning to, we can accidentally hand our adolescents a bunch of rules and expectations - all intended to be useful!

• Be off the wifi by 9 pm
• Go to school
• Make your lunch before you go to bed
• Have the car home before 10 pm
• Be nice to your sister

The list is long …

And that’s where we can lose our young people. They have so many things to remember.

If, on the other hand, we only have two rules - be in the right place at the right time - there’s way less to remember and lots more opportunities to be responsible for themself.

• Being off the wifi looks like remembering to plug their phone into the charging station in the lounge at 9 pm.
• Going to school looks like getting their uniform organised and their alarm set with enough time allowed for the morning routine.
• Making your lunch the night before means getting 5 or 10 minutes of extra sleep in the morning.
• Having the car home before 10 pm means staying within the rules of the restricted licence.
• Being nice to your sister means sharing space amicably OR moving away from her if she’s being a toad and you’d like to tease/insult/whack her!

Teaching our young people how to operate responsibly and independently in the world takes love and persistence.

Growing self responsibility is a skill that can be easily lost if we jump in and try to fix everything all the time. It’s exhausting and overwhelming both for us, and for our adolescents.

It may take some consequences as their parent to get the message of self responsibility working for you, and that’s ok. Our young people are bright and clever and when we hold them responsible for reasonable boundaries that have been discussed they will rise to the challenge. Our part is to zip the reminders and instead expect them to be responsible.

• Didn’t get off the wifi at 9 pm? Lose the phone at 8 pm the following evening.
• Slept in? Be late to school and explain to the teacher that you stuffed up.
• Didn’t make your lunch? Eat dry 2 minute noodles that day.
• Got the car home late? Miss out on taking the car next time.
• Whacking your sister? Having to apologise and do something to make it up to her.

Be as creative as you want with your consequences! Just be consistent. It won’t take long.

If this has you thinking “It won’t work for me,” use this link to investigate ‘Powerful Parenting.’ A one year intimate group coaching container. We work from July 2024 to June 2025 - growing, reflecting, changing and becoming the parent we want to be. All the time! Book your spot here.

Kia pai tō wiki ... have a great week

Melanie

Melanie Medland is a communication coach, an author, and a course creator.​

More at www.beautifulconversations.co.nz​

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