Welcome to Connections

Your weekly pānui for tips, tricks, and strategies to deepen your connection with your tween, teen, or adolescent.

Kia ora Reader

We’ve had a week of practising, “It sounds like …” and a week of practising, “It looks like …”

How are you getting on, Reader?

Remember to be compassionate with yourself so far, and curious. We’re giving grace to ourselves as we try this out and create a new habit. I especially love this quote, attributed to Buddha, “First I create my habits, and then my habits create me.”

This is just creating a new habit. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Once this habit is created, you will change the connections you create with your rangatahi. I promise!

This week’s sentence starter, “It feels like …” could play out a little like this:

Your rangatahi has a job they really dislike. They turn up because they want the money, otherwise they wouldn’t be bothering with it. Leading up to going to work they’re grumpy, and ANY little thing will set them off …

Parent: What times do you start and finish work today?

Rangatahi: Non-commital grunt OR silence OR muttered swear word …

Parent: It feels like you’re not wanting to go.

Rangatahi: You got that right!

Parent: What’s the worst of it for you?

Rangatahi: It’s just so boring. Nothing ever happens that’s exciting there and I hate the way it smells.

Parent: I can feel how ‘same-same’ that is for you.

Rangatahi: Absolutely (big sigh) I guess I’d better go though.

The first reflective sentence wasn’t really a feeling - it was more of a reflection of what was playing out in real time, just incorporated into a sentence that reflected more of the parent’s observation than what the rangatahi was actually feeling. Again, as a way into getting them moving this is perfectly ok.

You’ll notice the start of “It feels like …” was changed slightly the second time, that’s ok. It still addresses the theme of acknowledging their feelings. As you can see, being acknowledged was what this rangatahi needed to get over the ‘hump’ of having to go to work.

You’ll note in the second sentence swap it was a pretty close insert. They said “boring” and the parent said “same-same” which shows that the parent has been listening closely and is able to accurately label a feeling. Other words that would also have worked equally well here are “frustrated,” “annoying” or “tedious.”

As always, these mock conversations are short and only have two parent initiated reflections contained in them.

It’s these day-to-day interactions that set the scene for deeper connection with our rangatahi - a connection that we’ll need to draw on when life throws them some deeper challenges that need proactive parenting.

Give it a shot, and let me know how you get on 😊

Kia pai tō wiki ... have a great week

Melanie

PS: This is your last chance to sign up for the course 'From Selfie to Self: Working the Spiral of Self Identity' - registrations close on Wednesday. Find out more here.

Melanie Medland is a communication coach, an author, and a course creator.​

More at www.beautifulconversations.co.nz​

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